#WaitingRoomFeet

Today is a date etched in my mind as 2 years ago today was the day I had surgery to remove the 2 uninvited tumours.

Although the dates stick in my mind, I’ve tried to turn them into something positive, meet with friends, book a holidays, do something fun but not this year as the hospital very kindly booked my year 2 mammogram today in the same hospital as my surgery! 🙄

So these are my #waitingroomfeet back in my gown sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear my name. Feeling numb as this is just part of the process, just wanting to get this over with.

This is squishy the lovely machine that’s going to turn my all ready sensitive boobs into pancakes. 😖

The nurse was amazing and did it as quick as possible… 10 mins and I was all done!

Torturous 3 week wait for the results, but so grateful that they’re looking after me. 🤞

Oh and thanks to the flushes for my rosy complexion 🤣

This envelope could change my future!

How can a little A5 envelope bring me out in a cold sweat 😰

This is the envelope that could change my future … it contains my family history details to assess if I need to have a gene test to check if I have the BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 gene. These are the most common faulty genes that can increase your risk of cancer or cancer returning. Thankfully no other family members have had Breast Cancer, so it’s looking positive for me.

But this is not just about me, this is about my sisters, mother, sons, nieces and future grandchildren. The test also gives an indication if any other family members are at higher risk and would benefit from being tested.

It takes 6 weeks for a response to find out if I need the test. If they recommend for me to have the test, it’s a 12 week wait for the results and if it’s positive, the recommendation is a full preventative mastectomy 😩 but it’s still my decision, which is going to be hard.

It’s been completed and ready to post for 3 weeks, just sitting quietly in my handbag staring at me! But not today… cos today I pulled up my big girl pants and posted it !!! 💪. It’s going to be a long 6 weeks wait to see if I need the test.

You can find out more about the gene 🧬 testing below 👇

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/predictive-genetic-tests-cancer/

So I’m back in the gown!

Another hospital gown, this time for a chest X-ray! After battling this stupid chest infection for 8 weeks the Dr thinks it’s time to check it out! Not quite so sure on her choice of words ….

Dr- there’s nothing to worry about, I just think we should get it checked out to make sure there’s nothing sinister lurking in there!…

maybe not the best choice of words to a BC patient! 😂

Results on Monday 🤞 but cancer you won’t be invading my head this weekend as the hubby is whisking me off to Edinburgh 😝😝 you can wait till I get back!



I wasn’t just walking for who was on my back!

So the day had arrived for the Cancer Research 10k #shinewalk … what was I thinking signing up for this! 🤦‍♀️

On antibiotics for a chest infection, no voice and sore ribs from coughing but I got those trainers on… but I wasn’t alone, just like through my treatment my amazing hubby and fellow BC mate Keeli were by my side.

Starting point was in Cardiff Castle, how lucky were we to have such an amazing venue, the atmosphere was alive, so many people all there for one reason…. to help beat this horrible disease.

The sense of we are all in this together made me forget my coughs and chest pains… I felt like I was in a warm comfy blanket alive with the buzz of the crowd.

And we’re off!

It felt amazing, I got this 💪 … we got this!

Before we knew it we were at the 5k mark… How did that happen!

The cheers and support of the people around the route was amazing, really felt I was useful and doing something real to raise money to help fund future research.

Reading the messages on people’s backs of who they were walking for was really emotional, but in a good way as it spurned you on to keep going, I felt like I wasn’t just walking for who was on my back, but for who was on everyone’s back!

6k, 7k, 8k, 9k oh my god I’m going to do this!

Crossing the finishing line meant so much to me, chemo has owned my body for so long, but this finally felt like I was in charge!

I crossed that finishing line after 16k steps 😱 and proudly stepped up to claim my medal 🏅and what’s even better, we raised £2️⃣7️⃣0️⃣ 👏 for Cancer Research.

Now this is how you relax!

It’s day 4 of my honeymoon in sunny Tenerife with this amazing man

We’re loving the atmosphere, laid back lifestyle and of course getting to taste the delicious food. 😋

Now that’s how you do tapas!!

The views are spectacular and we’ve been lucky enough to have a seaside view for every meal.

But sadly cancer is never far from our thoughts…. I’ve had a cough that just won’t go away for the last 11 days, no other signs of a cold or sore throat just the cough that gets worse every time I lie down…. so sleep for me is propped up on 4 pillows and I’m lucky if I get 20 mins without a coughing fit 😩 … neither of us has mentioned the word secondary, we don’t need to, we just give each other ‘the look’ and carry on!

I know that if I was back home I would be in the dr’s getting it checked out… but I’m not! THIS IS MY HONEYMOON and I don’t want to remember it from a dr’s waiting room!

So this is me on a shady patch of grass (coughing like I’m on 60 a day) overlooking the sea while Shaun’s off snorkelling!

Cancer you’re not invited!

A year ago I never thought this day would come… but here I am a Mrs👰

September 2017 was a month I wanted to forget, as this was when I first found my lumps and got on this cancer rollercoaster.

2 years later and I have turned September into a month worth remembering… I got married to an amazing man who got on the rollercoaster even though he didn’t have a ticket!

My dress may have been pink as a nod to Breast Cancer Awareness but cancer was not getting an invite to my special day!

We had a perfect day just as we had planned with friends and family in an amazing venue with some delicious food, laughs and lots of smiles.

Who knows what’s round the corner for me, but I do know that I’ll be turning that corner with my amazing husband with the biggest smile on my face 🥰

It’s not having my wedding dress!

The lead up to my wedding should be really exciting to finally see all my plans come together… It’s only 3 weeks away! 😊

Everything was going to plan until my first dress fitting… Rewind to a few months before when I sat down with the designer to design my dress.

I walked in the door with a big list of wants.

1. It has to cover my scars under my arms – had to have sleeves

2. My arms retain fluid due to my lymph node damage – had to be tight sleeves to my elbows

3. My left boob has a large indent over the top of my bra – had to have a high neck

4. I can’t have bones as they sit on my scars and can increase the risk of lymphodemia – no sexy figure hugging dress

5. My ankles and feet swell easily – have to have a dress to the floor

6. I get terrible flushes – need to be thin material

The list went on and on… the designer took note of it all and eagerly scribbled away until I had the start of a dress on paper.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago when I tried my dress on for the first time… walked in the door full of butterflies and excitement.

Wiggled into my dress, got all fastened up, came through the curtain, turned to look in the mirror and my heart sank… this was not my dress, this wasn’t what I wanted!

The designer could see by my face that I was a little disappointed. She went through everything that I had asked for and it clicked… I had spent so much time telling her what I didn’t want that I’d forgot to tell her what I wanted! I had turned my dress into a list of dont’s, to try and hide the parts of my body that cancer had invaded… that’s what cancer does to you, it takes over your mind without you even realising it!

Thankfully I have an amazing designer who got to work straight away with a scary pair of scissors ✂️ snip here, tuck there, a pinch in there, hemline alteration there and she was done. I turned back around and smiled as I could see ME, not my scars, not my fluid arms, not my indent boob but ME!

So suppose what I’m saying is, don’t focus too much on the negatives and forget the positives, as cancer may have stollen a lot of things from me but it’s not having my wedding dress 👰

Multi rider ticket for the cancer rollercoaster

They say things come in 3’s… let’s hope I’ve had mine this week!

1. Start of the week kicked off with antibiotics after a particularly hungry fly took 4 juicy bites out of my arms putting me at increased risk of lymphodemia. It causes your body to stop draining fluid from that area, in this case my arms. Scary thing is once you have lymphodemia you can’t get rid of it!

2. One of the side effects of Letrezole are headaches so it came as no surprise when I woke up with a blinder on Thursday… which 4 days on I still have!

But what did surprise me was to wake up Saturday morning with a broken blood vessel in my eye!

To some people they would just see it as a broken vein and not worry too much…. but to a person who has previously had Cancer… its oh god is it in my brain, and then the rollercoaster of what if’s start!

…what if the cancers spread to my brain

…what if the cancer is in my eye

…what if this time it’s too late for treatment

Not enough of an emergency to go to A&E so waiting game again to see if I can see my GP on Monday…. not that they’ll be able to do much, other than reassure me that it’s all ok, which I kind of already know, but still once you’re on that cancer rollercoaster it’s pretty hard to get off!

3. Getting a letter Saturday morning confirming a dermatology referral for a suspicious looking mole on my back.

What a week!

Bring on next week … it’s wedding confirmation week as I’m getting married in 4 weeks!!!!

Have I finally lost my Cancer label?

Loosing my hair meant much more to me than visual confirmation that the chemo was working, I lost my femininity, It didn’t matter what I wore I never felt I looked like I’d made an effort. I didn’t recognise the person staring back at me in the mirror and wasn’t sure when or even if she would ever be back!

Friends and family would say… your hair looks lovely, being short really suits you, you should keep it like that! I’d put on my painted smile and say thanks, knowing that they didn’t mean it and were just saying what everyone has been programmed to say!

Then whack a side swipe from a stranger!

Let me explain… I’m quite happily sitting on a bench in the middle of a shopping centre waiting for my son when a lady sits down and casually says… I love your hair, it’s so pretty and really suits you! I just stared in shock, I’d never met this lady before and she doesn’t know my past… she didn’t have her sad eyes or her head tilt that I’ve become so accustomed to seeing.

Have I finally lost my Cancer on Board label?

Who knows, but what I can tell you is that tiny little throw away comment, stuck with me and made me think, I know I’ll never be the old me again (and I don’t think I should be as Cancer in a weird way has changed parts of my life for the better) but there’s a chance that some of the old me will start smashing through that mirror and slowly replace my painted smile with a real one.

So if you see someone sitting on a bench, at a busy stop anywhere, please take the time to say hi as you never know how you can change someone’s day with just a little comment x

In a room full of people yet I felt so alone!

If someone had told me 3 years ago I would be the quiet girl in the corner at a party I would have laughed in their face… but here I am in the corner!

Listening to everyone sharing stories of holidays they’ve been on or ones coming up all with a glass in their hand and rosy cheeks from the laughter (well and the alcohol) but not me … me and my liver are still taking baby steps with getting used to alcohol again and fighting off all the germs.

My hair is not how I want it… I don’t dress like I used to… my bones ache if I sit down for too long… my swollen feet hurt if I stand for too long… my rings don’t fit my fat fingers anymore!  Which part of that sounds like I’m ready for a party??

Guess this ‘Cancer’ is still invading some of my life, making choices for me without my permission! I realise it’s a long journey, but I just want to look in the mirror and see me, not someone who I barely recognise staring back at me with a painted smile!

It’s not all bad… at least I’m not waking up with a hangover from hell, or even worse my head stuck down the toilet like some!